Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
