i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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