How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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