so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
