never play flip cup with pint glasses
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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