hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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