Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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