Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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