I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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