Don't you send me to vm
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's shark week go big or go home
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
