I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
