Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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