Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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