whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
