I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize