drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
