Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
