I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
