found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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