you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
