nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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