i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
