like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
