Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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