I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I look better un-naked...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
