I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
