I need to stop coming to work sober
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
