The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
