I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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