I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
