Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
