You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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