i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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