I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
