I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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