I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
