My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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