i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
