all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
