I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
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