I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
