Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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