If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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