oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
