I haven't been this sober since birth.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
