Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
