you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
