hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
