Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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