Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
