I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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