Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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