I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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