a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
