There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
