Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
