How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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