I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
