I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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