Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
