my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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