it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
