I need to stop coming to work sober
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize