Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
