I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
