I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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