The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
